whoreticulture / fagriculture

It is true. I am unnaturally excited about puns...

I just downloaded this Ludacris album and I can't think of one logical reason as to why it wasn't written solely for me. It's called Chicken 'n Beer for christ's sake!

So, I don't sleep much lately. This is definitely irritating, but during my restless nights I have discovered some amazing phenomena that has been vexing and enthralling me at the same time.

Every time I get out of bed to pee, no matter what time (2am, 4am, whatever), the woman in the apartment above me is PEEING AT THE SAME TIME. Sometimes I can even hear her pooing. What does this mean!? Do our bladders have some kind of psychic connection? Maybe it's like when women live in the same house and their periods start being in sync because of the phases of the moon or something. This happens on the reality TV series "Big Brother". It's pretty gross. Everyone flips out and no one can get disgusting live bogan tv sex.

At first I thought my toilet-nemesis was a man because they made a really loud wee noise, like it was hitting the water from far away, but I've been lead to believe that the man has moved out and now it's just a lady. I saw her once when it was dark outside and she had her blinds open. I don't like her. She looks like an Office Manager I once had who had acne but wore tonnes of orange make-up and hated me because I was always hungover. I'm not hungover today. The loud pisser-man probably moved out because she's so skinny and boring.

Next time we are peeing in unison, I will have to think of some way to confront her and find out why she insists on exacerbating my insomnia. I need to brainstorm. I don't have any clever ideas right now.

Also, I just googled "Why do farts smell worse in the shower?" and I got a VERY interesting answer:

"H2O, in the form of water vapor, easily attaches to methane molecules by the chlorine atom, or the sulfur released from bacteria, making the foul smell more readily attach to the nostril lining, subsequently sustaining the odor longer than in a dry climate. In addition, warm vapors will cause any crusted mucus to soften and disengage, providing more surface area within the sinuses. And lastly, (if you are male) the qualitive factor of "worse" is a perception of foreign gases - as to our own emissions, the qualitive factor is 'better'."

Some nerd has really done some extensive research. I wish I had a cool job like that...fart scientist. Technology is amAzing. 

Okay, I'm gonna go and not sleep now. Bleerrrgghhhhhhhhhhhhhhh

P.S. Here is an interesting wikipedia link about carnivorous plants. There is one called a "bladder trap". It's terrifying. http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Carnivorous_plant

ole wonk-boob strikes again

God help us.

 

P.S. in my old house on Hutt Street there was this weird exhaust fan above the shower and I always thought I could see Hugh Grant's face looking at me. Isn't that horrible?

fatigue / fatty-gay

I am  so fucking  tired. I feel like I am actually retarded. It's not my fault though, I have what the naturopath called "adrenal fatigue" or some shit that basically means chill the fuck out or you'll die or something.

If you think that possessions can't make you happy, you're either a poor bastard or you're blind/deaf/want to ruin shit for everyone. I just spent $400 on a chinese accordion and I'm not sure if I'm going to be able to pay the rent. I also don't know how to play it but it is just soooo so beautiful. I need to stop shaving my head and not looking in the mirror afterwards. My undercut really wants me to be a buddhist monk like my great great uncles. I think it should be called Geraldine. Geraldine is pretty ugly but she's practical and knows how to amuse herself.

CASK WINE, HOW I LOVE YOU SO. 2fer at North Perth Liquorland almost makes moving house bareable.


Found almost an entire series of the 90's X-men cartoon....so stoked. So tired. Blehhhhhhhhh cash city splurge.

Have you ever noticed that Louis Armstrong looks heaps like a french bulldog? So does Oprah, but she's not so cute.

NO SLEEP 'TIL PIZZA.

ffffflip


P.S.  this woman:

scares the shit out of me.

Once a doctor told me to stop showering so much. Hmmmm.

atacama

Look at how awesome Christina is! There is so much milf booty going on in this photo I just don't know what to do with myself!

While my manfriend is out studying, I am compiling the ultimate playlist of slutty music. This includes Mariah, ODB, Kelis, Lil Kim and some 2pac. I also have some Cease which I think can sound slutty sometimes but I totally don't want to make out to music played by people I know. Except Tame Impala because that's outta my control. 

I need to stop going on Facebook when I'm drunk/hungover and don't know I'm still drunk. I just posted on my sister's wall: "anti-biotics give me thrush". I felt she might want to know, though.

Anyhow... Salma Hayek. mmmm.

Also Russell Brand can eat a bag of dicks. That guy is a fucking idiot if I ever saw one. Forreal. bleh.

Everyone should read about this - http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Atacama_Desert . So awesome.

heiress to many rabbits

Here is a picture of my parents before they flipped out and had a million kids:
 

 

I was an annoying child, I won't deny it. I wasn't very cute, either, so I guess it's probably my fault that they flipped their lids. My mum taught me good hygiene. That's one thing I use a lot in life.

delirum tremens / DT's

I have always thought that a state of constant drunkenness would be a most desirable lifestyle, but I never realised just how difficult it really is to achieve. For example, when I was fourteen, I listened to too much Crass and I did heaps of research into how an anarcho-passificistic society could effectively exist in today's world. It's a real nice idea but unfortunately there are way too many assholes that will fuck it up for the rest of us. You might have a sweet four-day bender, but eventually you are going to have to answer to Centrelink or your mum or some intervening so-and-so. Think about it! Are YOU ruining my life??? If so, shut up! I passed the liver function test so you can all get fucked!

Apparently at least two people read this shite that I continue to use as a means to publicly embarrass myself, so I must apologise for scarcity of posts. It's not that I have found Jesus, it's just that I have a boyfriend now and he is a decent venting substitute. Yeah, I have such a huge abundance of handsomeness in my life lately - it's like being in a P Diddy video. And I am Mariah Carey, minus the painkiller addiction and multiple marriages to crap producers. I may as well be half-black-half-irish, hey? Oh, Glitter.....

From Wikipedia:

Delirium tremens (colloquially, the DTs, "the shakes", "the horrors", "the heebie geebies", "the fear", "the abdabs", "the staggers and jags", "the jimjams", "jazz hands", "the shakes and the heaves", or "the rats"; afflicted individuals referred to as "jitterbugs" in 1930s Harlem slang); literally, "shaking delirium" or "'trembling madness" in Latin) is an acute episode of delirium that is usually caused by withdrawal from alcohol, first described in 1813.^[1][2] Benzodiazepines are the treatment of choice for delirium tremens (DT).^[3]

Man, I got a silly case of the jimjams.

I've had some problems with heart palpitations as of late. I feel like my heart is about to fly outta my chest all the time and I can't breathe. That's pretty annoying. I also get about two hours' sleep every night, so I'm pretty much retarded AND drunk most of the time. The good news is that I don't have to work for a few months so I plan to write a flipload of awesome music and then Centrelink won't make me get a supervised part-time job at Coles. Fluorescent lights are unflattering to even the most flawless complexion. That's why I am reluctant to go to heaps of art exhibitions..I always have bloodshot eyes! I saw a doctor about it once, and she said to use some drops, and we'll "keep an EYE on it".  HA HA HAAAaaaa shoulda been a god damn comedian. How come they don't give me lollypops when I go to the doctor any more? I'm super brave! I didn't even cry when I had to have a pap smear and afterwards the lady was like "Oh, here is a fucking huge sanitary pad/nappy, in case you BLEED for a little while". I wanted to hit her with the shoe horn she just put into my vag. Worst experience ever. At least I know I don't have AIDS or the herp, though. That would be real shit. No genital warts for me! Hurrah!

My sister said the world is going to be overrun by zombies in the near future. Whaaa???

I know nobody likes to read big books without pictures, so here is something to help ease your ADD:

DON'T! DON'T! DON'T BITE YOUR FRIENDS!

Nawwww. Just thinking about doing all these dishes is giving me a headache. I'm going to try to go to sleep now. With any luck, I won't just lay here in an exhausted stupor for three hours. Tally-ho!

sex injuries

Ouuuuuuuuuch!

I think it might be the L word (and I don't mean lesbian).


My favourite kind of clouds are the wispy ones. I don't know the technical term for this but don't tell me because it will ruin everything. I sometimes get scared when I can see peoples' faces in clouds because they almost always look a bit evil.  Today I saw a man with dark sunken eyes that was blowing smoke into another man's face. He kind of looked like Gargamel from the Smurfs. I also see creepy faces in the carpet sometimes. What does this mean? (rhetorical question, fuck off)

good cheap wine and a three-day growth

I get the feeling that Ita Buttrose would be pretty badass if you got to know her. People that have speech impediments have to be tough so that they don't get the piss taken out of them.

So anyway the Jimmy Barnes Challenge is something I've been contemplating for some time. To be successful, you need to be a bit skinny, drink an entire bottle of vodka or drambuie and sing completely fucking awesome. I know that I am genetically predisposed to having a liver of steel, so I have a head start, but I might need to work out for a little while beforehand.

The manatee is commonly know as the "sea cow" and has whiskers all over him. Not quite as awesome as the narwhal, manatees are thought to have evolved from four-legged animals about 60 million years ago. They are mostly solitary creatures, and the name manatí comes from the Taíno, a pre-Columbian people of the Caribbean, meaning "breast". Hahaha - breast! So magical.