thursday

Today is Thursday. I did the washing. Chicken.

Funny words for the day: aloof, cassowary, quinoa, gargantuan (e.g, "the gargantuan goitre on the man's neck is a result of a lack of iodine in his diet").

Last night we saw a real midget who was very old. Brendan says he can't have been old because midgets do not live very long, so we agreed to disagree. Actually, we really just disagreed.


Also:



Must get out my old textas.

fibromyalgia?

First of all, I must apologise for my frightfully drunken attempt at a blog post (see below). I am not so good this week but I am just waaaaiting and waiting and waiting it out. Eventually I will be super. A picture of health, yes. 

I put in an application for a grant so I can record an album in December. I want to record samples of all of my favourite noises and hide them in/under/in between tracks.  Some of my favourite sounds include:

- When my nephew goes "ssssssss!" and spits everywhere

- The Windows sound for "empty recycle bin"
- Ice blocks clinking into a glass
- High-pitched farts "pvvvffft!"
- Stapler, click-click!
- Brenjay's snoring
..There are more but I can't think of them now.

One of my doctors said the only known way to fix a piece of shit immune system is with a bone marrow transplant but it has only worked a couple of times in the world. Basically it isn't worth it because the body recognises the new bone marrow and usually, you die. Nevertheless, this obviously isn't an option because I am poor as fuck, and, bone marrow....yuck. The word "marrow" just makes me feel erked.

There are baby black swans (cygnets) at Hyde Park at the moment. I fucking hate swans. They scare the shit out of me. Their necks are so violent and wibbly-wobbly, every time I drive past the park and see them I gasp and behave like a silly old woman. Graceful? My bum!

I complain SO much. I'm sorrrrrry.

G'MILF

I can't remember the last time I did a poo. But I feel good though! Despite having a cold for the last 3 weeks I feel like I am actually getting much  better . I am watching a show called SKins which my good friend lent me and I am giving Brenjay a pedicure andd he thinks it's real nice of me but I don't think nothing of it. Brenjay is teaching me that Chardonnay isn't as bad as I thought it was. I blame my mother for this.


I wish I was just like my nephew, he is so awesome. I don't get what he think is so great about cars though.

I am asking my government for some money so I can make really great music. But I have some trouble paying attention.

Steph I haven't seen you in ages, I'm sorry. I think you are super.



In high school I had to go in this caravan and it was the "Careers Caravan" and they said I should be a fire man. I do have asthma, but I don't feel that this is a major disability in saving lives n shit.

p.s. my friend says nothing scares her except for eye bogies, which I call "eye crumbs". But this scares me very much:

 I also am a bit afraid of aardvarks but Justine says they aren't scary. I got a tattoo of  a narwhal but it isn't finished yet and I think my mum was a bit worried but she doesn't know shiz. Ummmmmmm I think someone might be hacking into my computer. Ninja.

elaborating on the ornathological piece....

There is this pub called "the Bird" and I like it but there aren't any mirrors in the toilet and so I can't see if I have a goober in my eye or if I have whiskey teeth. That's like red wine teeth but it's when you are so drunk.

Wow! Wait a minute! I found out that my hip flask doubles as a mirror. You can be SO drunk AND soooo beautiful...well...um. meh.

There is an election going on. I think Penny Wong would have been a really cute baby.

See? She is chinese. Chinese babies are up there with Japanese babies, who are among the cutest in my racial judgement of cuteness. It's not racist if you have an immense love for the cute squishyness of the country's infant population.

Okay Brendan is perverting my creative process so I must go now and drink the wine. GROSS HE JUST LICKED MY FACE!

I WHOOPED BATMAN'S ASS. I WHOOPED BATMAN'S ASS. I WHOOPED BATMAN'S ASS.

...THERE SEEMS TO BE AN ABSENCE OF A CERTAIN ORNATHOLOGICAL PIECE

 

the many birth defects of beth

TODAY FUCKING SUCKS.

I HAVE NO FUCKING MONEY AND NO BOOZE. I DON'T KNOW WHO I AM GOING TO VOTE FOR IN THE ELECTION. I DON'T KNOW HOW TO PRONOUNCE CINOTTO. I DON'T KNOW IF I AM ALLERGIC TO PEAS OR NOT. PEAS ARE NOT RELATED TO PEANUTS. THAT IS RIDICULOUS. I CAN'T PLAY THE GUITAR. I CAN'T PLAY THE FUCKING ACCORDION. MY COMPUTER IS TOO SLOW MY RENT IS TOO HIGH MY MOTHER IS FLIPPING OUT OH MY GOD BUT MY BOYFRIEND IS AWESOME. I AM LISTENING TO THE WORST PERIOD MUSIC.

..............................................

So anyway the other day I googled "flaming bag of poo DNA police" because I was thinking about putting a flaming bag of poo on somebody's doorstep but then I wondered if I should use some faeces other than my own, in case they can trace it back to my DNA (or frequent consumption of corn????). Yeah so I googled that and I REALLY wish I didn't.

It's funny though, because there are heaps of websites that are specifically for poop enthusiasts. I don't mean porn, you fucking weirdos, I mean toilet humour.

This shit is so wack.. So poopreport.com says that a schoolbus driver in Milwaukee repeatedly shat into plastic bags and threw her shitbags all over the goddamn town. Ha! Some concerned neighbour (who wishes only to be known as "Bob" and neglected to wear gloves whilst picking up this batshit lady' shit) set up video surveillance and she's actually smoking a cigarette at the same time! Ha....

I'm going to drink the ends of my fancy cask wine. Seriously, it's the best goon I ever bought. I'll never buy wine in a bottle again. I don't care what you think. You are stupid. Today is so shit. I don't know how to roll a cigarette.

whoreticulture / fagriculture

It is true. I am unnaturally excited about puns...

I just downloaded this Ludacris album and I can't think of one logical reason as to why it wasn't written solely for me. It's called Chicken 'n Beer for christ's sake!

So, I don't sleep much lately. This is definitely irritating, but during my restless nights I have discovered some amazing phenomena that has been vexing and enthralling me at the same time.

Every time I get out of bed to pee, no matter what time (2am, 4am, whatever), the woman in the apartment above me is PEEING AT THE SAME TIME. Sometimes I can even hear her pooing. What does this mean!? Do our bladders have some kind of psychic connection? Maybe it's like when women live in the same house and their periods start being in sync because of the phases of the moon or something. This happens on the reality TV series "Big Brother". It's pretty gross. Everyone flips out and no one can get disgusting live bogan tv sex.

At first I thought my toilet-nemesis was a man because they made a really loud wee noise, like it was hitting the water from far away, but I've been lead to believe that the man has moved out and now it's just a lady. I saw her once when it was dark outside and she had her blinds open. I don't like her. She looks like an Office Manager I once had who had acne but wore tonnes of orange make-up and hated me because I was always hungover. I'm not hungover today. The loud pisser-man probably moved out because she's so skinny and boring.

Next time we are peeing in unison, I will have to think of some way to confront her and find out why she insists on exacerbating my insomnia. I need to brainstorm. I don't have any clever ideas right now.

Also, I just googled "Why do farts smell worse in the shower?" and I got a VERY interesting answer:

"H2O, in the form of water vapor, easily attaches to methane molecules by the chlorine atom, or the sulfur released from bacteria, making the foul smell more readily attach to the nostril lining, subsequently sustaining the odor longer than in a dry climate. In addition, warm vapors will cause any crusted mucus to soften and disengage, providing more surface area within the sinuses. And lastly, (if you are male) the qualitive factor of "worse" is a perception of foreign gases - as to our own emissions, the qualitive factor is 'better'."

Some nerd has really done some extensive research. I wish I had a cool job like that...fart scientist. Technology is amAzing. 

Okay, I'm gonna go and not sleep now. Bleerrrgghhhhhhhhhhhhhhh

P.S. Here is an interesting wikipedia link about carnivorous plants. There is one called a "bladder trap". It's terrifying. http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Carnivorous_plant

ole wonk-boob strikes again

God help us.

 

P.S. in my old house on Hutt Street there was this weird exhaust fan above the shower and I always thought I could see Hugh Grant's face looking at me. Isn't that horrible?