nephew obsession. nephsession?

I have 23 freckles. Two years ago I only had 19. So on average I get two new freckles a year. So theoretically, that means by the time I am 90, I will have 134 freckles. That is A LOT. I better start wearing more sun protection.

As a result of free booze at a poetry reading, I can't complete any simple tasks today. My mind is mush and it's still so hot. I'm going to pretend that I'm on holiday in Vietnam again and maybe that will give me some motivation to go outside. 

Okay, cold shower.


p.s. I am obsessed with my nephew but it doesn't mean I want to have kids of my own.

moustachio banderas

I really like obnoxious men. Especially if they have a moustache. I especially like saying the word moustache. If you say it a lot, it doesn't feel like a real word.

So I've been doing this new job for a month now, typing letters for psychiatrists. It's so funny. It's like following a soap opera, except way weirder. There is this one woman who is obsessed with dirty air particles, and every time she gets stressed out, she starts fanning the air like crazy. Oh geez, I crap myself writing this shit. And I am SOOO fast at typing. I really wish I could play guitar as awesome as I can type. Obnoxious dudes would dig it heaps.

I played the worst gig last night. I have a cold and I forgot everything and I was way too drunk. Moustache Man was like, "I am so much better than you...". Next time I see him I'm gonna poke him in the eye. With a burnt stick.Oh dear.

p.s. my scab is a lot better now, thanks.

p.p.s it's 42 degrees. I'm beached as.

gin for dinner = ginner

 

I reckon the worst mistake is when people get "your" and "you're" wrong. 

E.g. "Your a dickhead". My dickhead? 

Nicked from BoingBoing's "Fun With Punctuation" article.

booby

Uh oh. I've been drunk for four days and I am signing up to all these feminist petitions online n shit. I haven't worn clothes in ages. Woke up on Jamie and Gemma's couch at 5am this morning, and it was SO comfortable and squishy but I had to leave because I knew I probably was drooling. Also I think I should clarify from my previous post that if a guy calls you "dawg" in an email, it means that he has "just gotten out of a pretty messy relationship" and "probably won't be quite right for some time" etc. Don't worry though because there's like, a lot of fish or something.

I'm moving house. I don't know how I am expected to carry anything up three flights of stairs.

Is it wrong if I like Katy Perry? Are there permanent implications of this? Are her boobs real? My boobs are awesome.

Weeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee

BFG

Tonight I saw someone drink their own wee, not for money or anything. It wasn't really a big deal, though. I'm sure there was some point to be proven, but I wasn't following the argument and was just given the task of smelling the wee to make sure it was actually wee. It smelled like lime. And then we had an argument about whether or not to shoot a gun in the back yard. Of course it was only loaded with blanks, but the owner was too margerita'd out. Shame.

Happy birthday Mouthy and Mikey. 25 aint as old as it feels.

..Who put Coldplay on my computer? Someone's gonna pay for this. Okay bed time. Geez. That's ruined everything now.

wang dang doodle // part two

Okay second post for the day = I spend way too much time on the internet. However, I'm just wondering, if a guy calls you "dawg" in an email, does that mean he only likes you as a friend?

And another thing. Yesterday I asked the nurse if my scab was going to leave a scar and he said, "Ohhahhh, it's all part of yer look". What the fuck does that mean? I am a scarred up trashbag? Flipping hell.

wang dang doodle

Today I thought I had lost heaps of weight because my jeans were super-loose, but then I realised it was just because I hadn't washed them for a few months and they were getting all baggy and covered in various food stains. Bummer.

Anyhow, it's okay to be fat because fat people can sing really awesome (sometimes) and therefore I can justify singing the blues because nobody loves me because I'm too fat and drunk, but I'm too fat because I drink a lot and I want to sing awesome. Don't worry, this does actually make sense.

Speaking of drinking a lot, I noticed that every time I drink I tend to love everyone more than usual, but also dislike myself more than usual. This is a fairly vicious cycle which, in turn, leads me to love people that I wouldn't normally love. Such as dudes that have tattooed portaits of their dog on their arm. I admit I have some pretty lame tatts, but I got them when I was eighteen, not 26. So, in conclusion, I need to like myself more and everyone else less.

Over the past few months, I've been compiling an alphabetised list of words that don't necessarily mean something funny, but sound like they are something funny. I'm going to publish this list. It is hilarious. Every time a newsreader says something like "plume" or "flanel", I rush to my notebook of ingenious ideas and add it to the list.

Today I'm going to shave some more of my head. This is purely functional, however I do enjoy the reaction it elicits in grandparents. I also just bought a shirt that has a picture of Chairman Mao on it and it says "LMAO". This is pretty much the funniest thing I've seen in my life.

Ha!

pus in boots

Too much to do. I want to go back to bed and sleep for at least another three weeks.