Today I thought I had lost heaps of weight because my jeans were super-loose, but then I realised it was just because I hadn't washed them for a few months and they were getting all baggy and covered in various food stains. Bummer.
Anyhow, it's okay to be fat because fat people can sing really awesome (sometimes) and therefore I can justify singing the blues because nobody loves me because I'm too fat and drunk, but I'm too fat because I drink a lot and I want to sing awesome. Don't worry, this does actually make sense.
Speaking of drinking a lot, I noticed that every time I drink I tend to love everyone more than usual, but also dislike myself more than usual. This is a fairly vicious cycle which, in turn, leads me to love people that I wouldn't normally love. Such as dudes that have tattooed portaits of their dog on their arm. I admit I have some pretty lame tatts, but I got them when I was eighteen, not 26. So, in conclusion, I need to like myself more and everyone else less.
Over the past few months, I've been compiling an alphabetised list of words that don't necessarily mean something funny, but sound like they are something funny. I'm going to publish this list. It is hilarious. Every time a newsreader says something like "plume" or "flanel", I rush to my notebook of ingenious ideas and add it to the list.
Today I'm going to shave some more of my head. This is purely functional, however I do enjoy the reaction it elicits in grandparents. I also just bought a shirt that has a picture of Chairman Mao on it and it says "LMAO". This is pretty much the funniest thing I've seen in my life.
Ha!
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