elaborating on the ornathological piece....

There is this pub called "the Bird" and I like it but there aren't any mirrors in the toilet and so I can't see if I have a goober in my eye or if I have whiskey teeth. That's like red wine teeth but it's when you are so drunk.

Wow! Wait a minute! I found out that my hip flask doubles as a mirror. You can be SO drunk AND soooo beautiful...well...um. meh.

There is an election going on. I think Penny Wong would have been a really cute baby.

See? She is chinese. Chinese babies are up there with Japanese babies, who are among the cutest in my racial judgement of cuteness. It's not racist if you have an immense love for the cute squishyness of the country's infant population.

Okay Brendan is perverting my creative process so I must go now and drink the wine. GROSS HE JUST LICKED MY FACE!

I WHOOPED BATMAN'S ASS. I WHOOPED BATMAN'S ASS. I WHOOPED BATMAN'S ASS.

...THERE SEEMS TO BE AN ABSENCE OF A CERTAIN ORNATHOLOGICAL PIECE

 

the many birth defects of beth

TODAY FUCKING SUCKS.

I HAVE NO FUCKING MONEY AND NO BOOZE. I DON'T KNOW WHO I AM GOING TO VOTE FOR IN THE ELECTION. I DON'T KNOW HOW TO PRONOUNCE CINOTTO. I DON'T KNOW IF I AM ALLERGIC TO PEAS OR NOT. PEAS ARE NOT RELATED TO PEANUTS. THAT IS RIDICULOUS. I CAN'T PLAY THE GUITAR. I CAN'T PLAY THE FUCKING ACCORDION. MY COMPUTER IS TOO SLOW MY RENT IS TOO HIGH MY MOTHER IS FLIPPING OUT OH MY GOD BUT MY BOYFRIEND IS AWESOME. I AM LISTENING TO THE WORST PERIOD MUSIC.

..............................................

So anyway the other day I googled "flaming bag of poo DNA police" because I was thinking about putting a flaming bag of poo on somebody's doorstep but then I wondered if I should use some faeces other than my own, in case they can trace it back to my DNA (or frequent consumption of corn????). Yeah so I googled that and I REALLY wish I didn't.

It's funny though, because there are heaps of websites that are specifically for poop enthusiasts. I don't mean porn, you fucking weirdos, I mean toilet humour.

This shit is so wack.. So poopreport.com says that a schoolbus driver in Milwaukee repeatedly shat into plastic bags and threw her shitbags all over the goddamn town. Ha! Some concerned neighbour (who wishes only to be known as "Bob" and neglected to wear gloves whilst picking up this batshit lady' shit) set up video surveillance and she's actually smoking a cigarette at the same time! Ha....

I'm going to drink the ends of my fancy cask wine. Seriously, it's the best goon I ever bought. I'll never buy wine in a bottle again. I don't care what you think. You are stupid. Today is so shit. I don't know how to roll a cigarette.